I wrote this one during a busy day when I stopped and started thinking about things for no apparent reason.
I was driving around today moving into a new place and getting all of the small final things that I had left when I, for no reason at all, pulled into a parking lot that was luckily in clear view of the mountains and sat on the hood of my car with my MP3 player and just started staring.
As I lay back on the windshield the song “Dance With Me” by LIVE came on. To those of you that know me the fact that LIVE was on my MP3 player is certainly not a surprise. As most of you that know me also listen to LIVE I implore you to listen to this song in the near future with your eyes closed and actually envision what my boy Ed is singing about.
Now throughout my life I have had two constants. That I had the love
of my family, the times may not have been the best but I know I had and
will always have their love, the second constant was the comfort that music
gives me. I believe that there is a song for every situation that comes
in life. That there is a song that can change your view on the moment, or
day, can change your mood from sad to happy or vice versa. But regardless
there is a song for every moment in life.
So enough of my rambling about music. As I sat on the hood of my car and listened to “Dance With Me” I started to search for the reason that I had been feeling so off lately. I know that things aren’t the greatest but I really have no complaints, I know things are getting a great deal better soon so I have something to truly look forward to, those close to me that hadn’t been in good health have started getting better, I’ve been a lot more outgoing as of late which is good as I had withdrawn into my shell quite a bit after the loss of two friends recently. But regardless of all of that I couldn’t shake this feeling. It was the same feeling that I would always get in the Teams when I was on point if danger was close. It is this just gut feeling that something is wrong and that feeling is something I never ignore. It’s saved my ass too many times to ignore it.
I’d been having this feeling for a couple of weeks now and while yes a lot has been going on, none of it explained this feeling. I closed my eyes and put “Dance With Me” on repeat and I did myself what I asked you to do. I closed my eyes and started envisioning just what Ed is singing about in the song.
I thought about the journey that I and so many others I know have gone on to get to where we are or to get to as far along as we were supposed to. I used to envy those people that I knew that had passed away. At least they were finally at peace and done with the battles that we deal with on a daily basis. Now though and ever since November 16th, 2001 I have looked at life with a renewed faith and thankfulness. But that is another story for another time.
I thought a lot about my life and those of the ones I know or have been
told about. The song reverberated through my mind as well and I started
to realize what it is that has made me start having this feeling. I was
on guard with myself. I have recently started to have a lot of feelings
that I didn’t expect and this song sums up a great deal of what I
have been having an internal battle with myself about. I was on guard with
myself because the old Jeremy has been getting ripped away. I’ve been
changing one of the main focuses of my life to the point that what I have
internalized as myself for so long became threatened.
Some of the realizations I have been coming to are as follows:
I am a very positive person by nature and think I’m a pretty good guy but like everyone I have my moments and lately I have just been trying harder to look at everything with an even more positive outlook and looking at myself in an even more positive light and the moments that we all have are becoming less and less. For this I thank all of the positive forces I surround myself with. My friends, family, music and books, God. Not to mention my own warped mind.
With the help of a friends basic slap in the face which is the way to get my attention I realized that throughout my life and his as well which is why he was able to recognize it I have always given of myself to the detriment of me. Meaning I wouldn’t care if I became homeless if I knew what I was doing was going to help the other person. I always know I’ll survive it’s others that I weren’t sure would. So as I realized this I know that I will always help others, it’s just me. But I know that I now have to look at the toll that it takes on me. What takes a toll on me has an effect on everyone in my life. So I have to start looking at what I do rather than just blindly running at it. But never think for one second that my passion about helping others will change it won’t I just need to make sure that as I help someone it’s not going to hurt myself or others. I have helped people before and in reaction to that hurt others which of course was not my intention but it happened none the less. Thanks Jay.
Now the biggest realization that I had come today and with “Dance
With You.” I have been a fighter my whole life, literally from the
moment I was born to this very day I have been fighting in one sense or
another. This built in me a confidence that I am thankful for but led me
to things also that now I look at with new eyes.
Now with all of the fighting both in physical and emotional senses I have always known that I was very good at it. It is something that has always come easy to me but even with the ease that it has come I never liked it. Someone always got hurt and for the most part it is never a good thing. Now I don’t lie so I won’t lie here, some people that I have had to confront, in my mind, deserved everything that they got. These people embodied evil, tried to hurt or kill those I love or tried to do things of such a terrible nature that it was called upon me, us in some cases, to take care of it.
So with that said I have come to realize that this fighter in me, while it will always be there, needed to be channeled in a different direction and it has been happening.
I have seen and done things that most will never be able to fathom and those that can fathom it realize that it is in all actuality probably much worse than what they are thinking. Those that have seen it know the remnants that stay. Some things just never leave you and these are one of those things.
I realized that for most of my life I have never thought of a life or world that was without war or pain of some kind. But lately without even knowing it I have started changing and started looking at the beauty that would be if indeed we did have a world that was peaceful. A world where people like me or the person I was weren’t needed. It would be a great thing.
But as I said I am a realist so I know that while we are a world ruled by man this is not likely unless everyone started to change their viewpoint on things. So I made a promise to myself that while I can’t change the world by myself as a whole, I can try to help those that I know and come in touch with.
People always talk about how I am a positive force in their life but while that may be true I think it is just as important to be a positive force as well as one that promotes inner beauty and peace. To try and have all I know and come to know realize that they are beautiful to try and help them realize that inner peace that I am starting to find and have them realize that it will help them in a great way.
So those are my realizations and many of you that know me may think I have gone off the deep end and lost it. But I promise you that I have not. I am not saying that Jeremy, the person, has changed in a whole, I’m just happier now. I will never turn my back on my country or those brothers in arms who defend it so don’t think that I’m saying that. The guys that I served with and those I have met after are some of the best people in the world and people that you want in your life. And as I know they would give all they can for me I know without hesitation that I would give my life gladly for any of them or anyone that is a friend or family. I also know that if I knew my death would save a stranger I would give it.
But the last sentence I can say with certainty now because I know that I
am coming to a peace with myself that I hadn’t allowed until now and
I thank God that he has allowed me to find this. I’ve been searching
for it for a very long time.
So I will close with, no I haven’t turned into a self help fanatic or guru. I have just begun to try to take the complications of life one at a time and let the simplicity of beauty in finally.